​Shock
Today’s GriefShare email really struck home.
This is a paragraph from the email:
When you are in shock and you feel powerless to cope and unable to think straight, understand that you don’t have to at that moment. Yet because of this, it is wise not to make any major changes in your life or decide on any important issues until your shock has subsided.
This describes how I feel so much of the time lately. Powerless to cope and unable to think straight! Like I just don’t know what to do. It’s why experts say not to make any big decisions for at least a year after a loss; such as selling your home and moving. I’ve had a lot of people ask me if I’m going to move away from Pond Creek now that Tom’s gone. Before he got sick, Tom and I had talked about moving at some point in the future since the kids were all grown and moved away. We had talked about wanting to be closer to the grandkids. Here’s where we landed with that (and where I am at with it right now). Our house is paid for (I think we paid it off right before Tom was diagnosed with cancer). So our (and now my) living expenses here are minimal; basically utilities and insurance. I know I couldn’t rent a house (or even an apartment) for what those cost. I don’t know what the future holds, but for now, I plan to stay here. I am following wise counsel and not making any big life decisions for at least a year after my loss.  

​Thank you Shirley!
            Today, two of my friends from high school say good-bye to their mother. Stacey was one of my best friends growing up and I always considered Stan a good friend too.
            Their mom Shirley passed away this week. Shirley was one of those moms that just made you feel right at home any time you visited their house. She was also an RN at my doctor’s office growing up. When I was around 18ish, I was in the doctor office for a visit and they were trying to draw blood. I say trying because the first nurse tried probably at least 5-6 times before she called Shirley in there to do it. Shirley of course got it on the first try. Then she looked at me and said something to me that has stuck with me to this day: “Tracy, don’t ever let anyone do that to you again. If they can’t get it on the first try, you ask them to get someone else who can get it”. Thank you Shirley for that lesson, I’ve remembered and used it all of my life! 

​How do I become me again?
Who am I without Tom?
These are questions swirling around in my head a lot lately. On Thursday, I shared a GriefShare email I’d received about how losing someone close to you is like losing a piece of yourself and it’s hard to tell who you are anymore.
I was relieved to read that email. I thought “wow, it’s not just me”. I mean, I already knew that, but reading it was still a relief. I know that everything I’m going through is probably “normal” (whatever that is). I also know that everything I’m going through is unique for me. Each person feels and deals with these experiences differently. I think I finally just realized recently how much I went through with Tom’s illness and death. During that time, I didn’t think a lot about myself; most of my focus was on Tom. While I was driving the other day, I thought to myself “Huh, I guess I went through a lot too”. Tom always said that he thought his illness was much harder on me than it was on him. I definitely don’t think that’s true, but I am just now realizing just how much this whole experience has changed me.
I have to keep stepping forward and I have to figure out who I am without Tom. He’s always in my heart, but he’s not by my side anymore. 

​I recently signed up to receive daily GriefShare emails. Today was Day 11 in the emails and this one hit me right in the gut. It describes so well how I feel.
Losing a Part of Yourself
Day 11



The loss of a close family member creates extra depth and complexity to your grief. You shared a special and intimate connection with your loved one, and this relationship helped you define who you were. Losing this person has literally ripped you apart on the inside, leaving you unsure of your own identity.

​Rabbit Hole
Have you ever gone down a rabbit hole? This happened to me recently. I listen to a podcast called By the Book where they live by self-help books. The most recent one they lived by is Dolly Parton’s book: Dream More: Celebrate the Dreamer in You. I checked the library, but they didn’t have it, and I wanted to read it. So…I bought it on Amazon through Kindle. It happened to be in the “Great for Kindle” promotion which then gives you $ towards your next Great on Kindle book, which then gives you $ towards your next Great on Kindle book…and well I am sure you can see where this is going lol. I mean, as if I don’t already love books, now I can save on them? It might have been better to pay a little extra and just order the print version lol. 

Towards the end of last week, my feet, legs, and hips started bothering me. This is usually a clue that my shoes are wearing out and I need new ones. Unfortunately, the place I always got shoes in Enid (JCPenney's) has closed so I have to wait until I am around OKC again to get some new ones. 

Then yesterday, I had a blister pop up on my foot out of nowhere. So, all that to say, I am doing my 20 minutes of exercise each day, but otherwise I'm taking a break until the blister heals and I get new shoes. 

Being a diabetic, I have to be super careful with my feet. When I go to the doctor, she makes me take my shoes off so she can check them and I try to keep a close eye on them myself. Thankfully, I haven't had any issues with neuropathy and I am very grateful for that. Tom used to obsess about it though and anytime I did anything to a foot, he was on me to get it checked out. At the time, I always thought it was sweet, yet a little annoying lol. Now of course, I miss it. 

Today's post is a guest post from my BFF Brenda Carr. I mentioned a few days ago that she'd had a scope and I asked her to write a post to tell about her experiences. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this Brenda! 






Recently I was diagnosed with Barrett’s Esophagus. I have had chronic acid reflux for so long, the cells in my stomach have formed in the lower 8 cm of my esophagus. There is also a small nodule in my esophagus that my doctor is concerned about, enough so that I will be having another EGD in June to do a second biopsy to be sure it is not cancer.
I’ve experienced heartburn all of my adult life that was always made worse during my pregnancies. I’m not exactly sure the first time I experienced the burning in my throat from acid reflux, but I do know the past five years or more it has been much worse. The first time I mentioned it to my doctor, I told him I would wake up in the night choking, I couldn’t breathe, and acid would fill my throat and lungs. He prescribed Prilosec 20 mg and sent me on my way. It worked for a while. 
Then my friend Tom was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. I searched the internet about his diagnosis and acid reflux in general. Tom mentioned on more than one occasion when we were comparing symptoms that I should go get checked. Nearly all the information on the internet about Barrett’s is geared towards men, white men over 50 who smoke. Yes, it was still in the back of my mind, but I thought I’d just bring it up to my doctor next time I saw him.
Two years ago, during my annual well visit I complained to my doctor again that despite taking the Prilosec. I had to watch my diet carefully or I would pay later in the night for bad choices. I cut back on drinking carbonated beverages to only once or twice a week, if I had anything spicy such as Mexican food, I made sure to eat a few Tums before bed. Most anything with tomato in it was also off limits and so was ice cream. All those food items would surely make me have such bad acid reflux that I would be gasping for air and then aspirate stomach acid into my lungs. He suggested I up my Prilosec dose to 40mg and said that he didn’t think I had Barrett’s Esophagus. No mention was made of a referral to a gastroenterologist, neither was any other information that would help me avoid repeated episodes of acid reflux. A few months later that doctor retired.
Last year I visited a new doctor for my annual well visit and asked her why I would still be having trouble with acid reflux after the previous doctor doubled the dose of Prilosec for the last year. She suggested I lose weight. I did begin walking more in the evenings and lost around ten pounds and still experienced acid reflux a couple times a week.
Earlier this year my husband was referred to a gastroenterologist by a physician’s assistant he is seeing for arthritis. She was concerned because he had a low blood count. The GI doctor set him up to look down his esophagus (EGD) and a colonoscopy. After that visit he had prescriptions for antibiotics for a peptic ulcer and Prilosec for acid reflux. I was very surprised that he was diagnosed with acid reflux. I’ve never seen him up at night dealing with burning acid and he had never mentioned it to me. Plus, he can eat anything at anytime with no problems.
I decided it was time to quit hoping a doctor would refer me to a GI doctor and just make the appointment myself. I was curious to hear what he thought about my symptoms. I was not disappointed. For the first time in my life, he took my concerns seriously and scheduled an EGD within two weeks. I now have real diet restrictions and more prescriptions and a game plan to keep watch over the Barrett’s if it does lead to cancer.
I am grateful for Tom’s friendship, it was his words that would come to mind, “You better go get checked.” He is the reason that I did not wait any longer to find out how much damage chronic acid reflux has done in my esophagus.
I know Tom’s cancer and death has been a horrific experience for you, Tracy. Thank you for letting me write in your blog. Hopefully, Tom’s words will save others as well. 

​Signs and Symptoms of esophageal cancer:
In my desire to share information about esophageal cancer awareness, today I want to share some signs and symptoms. Possibly the most frustrating thing about esophageal cancer is that once you start to show symptoms, it’s possibly already too late.
This information is from the Mayo Clinic website (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/esophageal-cancer/symptoms-causes/syc-20356084) :
Symptoms
Signs and symptoms of esophageal cancer include:

• Difficulty swallowing (dysphagia)
• Weight loss without trying
• Chest pain, pressure or burning
• Worsening indigestion or heartburn
• Coughing or hoarseness

Early esophageal cancer typically causes no signs or symptoms.
When to see a doctor
Make an appointment with your doctor if you have any persistent signs and symptoms that worry you.
If you've been diagnosed with Barrett's esophagus, a precancerous condition caused by chronic acid reflux, your risk of esophageal cancer is higher. Ask your doctor what signs and symptoms to watch for that may signal that your condition is worsening.
As you can see, the symptoms are also indicative of a lot of other things. It is why Tom always said that if you had ongoing acid reflux to get an endoscopy. Better to be checked and it be nothing. 

A while back I shared that I was writing "Dear Tom" notes for the things I wanted to say to Tom. I wanted to share a recent one:

​3-29-21
Dear Tom,
            I woke up in a sweat in the middle of the night. In my half-asleep state, I thought to myself “Dangit, Tom must have turned up the heater while I was gone”. Then I reached for your hand and remembered you weren’t there. It made me think of all the thermostat “discussions” we had and my idea for a reality series called “Thermostat Wars”. You were almost always cold, and I was almost always hot. When I would be gone on the weekend, you would crank the heater up and turn on the fireplace and get it as warm as you liked it in here. I’ll never forget coming home one day and it being nearly 80 in the house. Now I can keep it as cool as I want in here most of the time and I’d give anything to have another thermostat “discussion” with you.
I miss you,
Tracy

​Esophageal Cancer Awareness
April is Esophageal cancer awareness month. For me, every day is Esophageal cancer awareness day. For those of you who aren’t as constantly aware of it as I am, I want to talk about it in some posts this month.
Today I want to tell you what Tom always told people. If you have ongoing acid reflux-GET A SCOPE!! An endoscopy is really the only way to find a tumor in the esophagus. Unfortunately, from our personal experience, that seemed to be the last thing they did. He had been having trouble eating for months-I think it had been going on for over a year. They had upped his acid reflux medicine. They’d checked his gall bladder (both tests). They’d done a colonoscopy and shuttled him from one doctor to another. Finally, the doctor in Medford sent him for a CT scan which saw the thickening on the esophagus wall. He told Tom it could be scarring from the acid reflux, or it could be a tumor. The only way to find out for sure was the scope. So, he referred him for the endoscopy. From that time, it was about six weeks before he got into the GI doctor and finally got the scope on March 7th. Once they found the tumor, things moved quickly and by the end of the month, he started chemotherapy. But it was already too late. The cancer had spread and was Stage IV. This seems to be a common occurrence with esophageal cancer. It is often not found until it is too late. If they’d done a scope earlier, could it have saved Tom? We will never know.
One thing I have learned in my own life: we must be advocates for our own health! We know our own bodies and we know when something isn’t right. Listen to your body and keep speaking up until you get the help you need.